7 Parenting Classes That Don’t Exist But Should


Before and after we become moms and dads there are a host of classes that we can take to make us better parents. Some are straightforward like Breastfeeding Basics and Attachment Parenting. Others are a little, well, you know. They’re out there flying alongside Superman.

Most parenting classes are awesome, teaching us the basic fundamentals and bringing us up-to-speed on things we’d never expect to happen once we have kids. But there are some gaps. There are some classes that have yet to be offered and I’m here to point them out.

Here are 7 parenting classes that don’t exist, but should:

Lego Anger Management

This is not about learning to manage your anger by stroking a Lego. This is learning how to manage your anger after stepping on one, finding 365,796 spread across multiple rooms, or having to repair a broken Lego creation after you’ve accidentally nudged it with your elbow. Nothing incites inner parental rage better than those good old-fashioned building blocks. Most of the parenting population could benefit from some Lego Anger Management.

Intro to Other Parents

Other. Parents. Suck. Not all of them, but there are hordes of them out there that believe it’s okay to stick their petunias into your parenting business. It can be shocking when this happens to you, especially the first time. What do you do? Do you accept their unwanted advice? Or do you bitchslap them in front of scores of Walmart patrons? Completely up to you. Just keep in mind that one results in sharing a concrete room with Bruno the Slasher.

Checkout Line 101

Bad things happen in the checkout line. These bad things usually involve young kids, things within reach, and temper tantrums. Mash them altogether and you’ve got an epic shitfest in a tightly enclosed area. There are people emptying their carts in front of you. A line behind you. You’re f**king trapped like flowers in the attic. Kids are screaming. Eggs are breaking. Gum, that you had no intention of buying, is being ripped open as you desperately try to pry it from little hands. It’s like a scene from a Stephen King movie. There should be sequel called, “Massacre in Aisle 12.” And a class to teach us all how to make it out of the checkout line alive.

Teen Talk Boot Camp

Teens speak a foreign language, they do. And if they’re not speaking it, they’re texting it, Facebooking it, tweeting it, you name it. If you have no idea what Snap Chat is or cannot for the life of you figure out what he or she means by “poned”, you’re not alone. For the record, you probably were “poned.” Sorry. It’s all good?

Preparatory Product Packaging

Whose brilliant idea was it to screw toys and gadgets to the packaging they’re shipped in? I mean, what the hell? Do they really think we all have a Phillips screwdriver lying around? This must be the same person who invented the reply-all email function. Preparatory Product Packaging, how to quickly and easily get the freaking toys out of their boxes, should be offered alongside Lamaze.

Toy Rehab

Kid gets toy. Five minutes later kid breaks toy. Broken toy gets tossed into toy box or pushed under the bed. Rinse and repeat. As parents, we’ve got to do a better job fixing our kids’ broken shit. Or toy manufacturers could STOP  outsourcing to China and build better toys. Either way I’d pay for a workshop that showed me how to put the wheels back onto a Barbie Corvette (after they’ve been snapped off) or how to remove deep scratches from a $60 video game that was used as makeshift coaster.

Social Sarcasm

This is an add-on class that serves to benefit every parent (and person) lacking a sense of humor. Loosen up! Laugh a little! Hug your kids. The end.

Posted on by Crystal in Kids, Motherhood

15 Responses to 7 Parenting Classes That Don’t Exist But Should

  1. Kristen Daukas

    I will have you know that yours truly started a series of boot camps just FOR parents of teens and tweens. Planning this years as we speak it was so well received 🙂
    Kristen Daukas recently posted..Shopping for Prom Dresses with Your DaughterMy Profile

  2. Lisa @ The Golden Spoons

    i am on the cusp of need that teen class as my older is 11. Would love that toy packaging class, too!
    Lisa @ The Golden Spoons recently posted..Does Being a Stay At Home Mom Set a Good Example for my Daughters?My Profile

  3. Michelle

    Haha! Some of the packaging is nearly impossible to get open. I guess they consider it childproof, so it doesn’t end up all over the store. But it’s not fun when it takes forever to get something open either!
    Michelle recently posted..Money Saving Tips for College: How to Save on Textbook CostsMy Profile

  4. Seana Turner

    This is hilarious and SO TRUE!!!! Not gonna read about these in “What to Expect…”, but we should! You’ve got me thinking on why other classes we should all take…
    Seana Turner recently posted..My Best Organizing TipMy Profile

  5. WriterMom Angela

    I love all of your class ideas! Toy packaging is a nightmare, and also who decided that battery compartments need to have a screw in them? Can’t change a damn battery without finding the tiniest screwdriver known to man!
    WriterMom Angela recently posted..Motherhood: Wimps need not applyMy Profile

  6. Ilene

    OK – I got a heads up on Snap Chat (oh my word) but Poned? You got me there. And Lego anger management? You may be onto something.

  7. Sarah Day

    I love this post – could you please post the url where I can sign up for the classes? I’m particularly interested in Teen Talk Boot Camp and need to take it ASAP, preferably in the next couple of hours.

  8. Terria @ homeandhired

    “Trapped like flowers in the attic”- Hahahaha!!!! No joke, I was at Publix today and my 17 month old chewed a hole in a box of Kashi just like a pack of rats, threw a yogurt down and exploded it, stomped a box of taco shells, crawled out of the cart while strapped in, and screamed for “Night, Night!” so much that the store manager helped me check out. I wanted to crawl under a rock. Love your post!

  9. Neena

    So funny! And sadly quite true. And the teen thing – I think they morph around age 14. But the good thing is – the butterflies will be here soon.
    Neena recently posted..Amazon and Audible – Affordable Audio BooksMy Profile

  10. Ray

    Oh the teen thing…… Been there, living it, and will be for a while… Snap Chat, yeah… Mmmmm…. Delete, but love it with my adult friends…. The teen language, I follow what a friend said years ago that has raised 4 girls, I have two… You are out numbered after that. Walk away, when you have stated what you need to. Let their conscience do the talking, you have given them good roots….. First time I used it, WOW!!!!

  11. There's Just One Mommy

    Love this post! Was just saying the other day that they need a class on those darned toy packages! LOL
    There’s Just One Mommy recently posted..Snow PaintingMy Profile

  12. Norine of Science of Parenthood

    You know I’d sign up for Lego Anger Management class.
    Norine of Science of Parenthood recently posted..Energy Transition StateMy Profile

  13. Corrie Blackmon

    Oh my goodness, this was so funny! I had to share it! I was reading each one of those, going, “Yep. And that one. And that one.” LOL. Love from SITS!
    Corrie Blackmon recently posted..Kids & Technology: Is it Still Unhealthy if Used Correctly?My Profile

  14. Cher

    Thanks for the laughs! With 3 small kids I can relate to all of them! #SITSBlogging
    Cher recently posted..Red Robin Has 79 Drink Options Under $5 Each All Day Long!My Profile

  15. DB Landes

    Nice! I pinned this to my Hilarious board. I think I could have used a lesson from a Lego Anger Management class this morning.

    I’m visiting from SITS. Nice to meet you!
    DB Landes recently posted..6 Ways to Make Every Day More Like Valentine’s DayMy Profile

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