I’m a Closet Pooper


I have a huge confession to make. I can’t poop when anyone is around. For some reason, I completely freeze up and my shooter shuts down. I call it the emergency shit switch. It’s like a catastrophic event when I need to poop and there are people nearby. The switch gets flipped and shit just stops. Literally.

My husband, on the other hand, has an open door policy when using the bathroom. It’s like he needs morale support when taking a shit. I’ve actually caught him carrying on full, intelligent conversations with the neighbors through the bathroom window while sitting on the john. He’ll gladly yak away on his cell phone, too, while obviously sounding like he’s struggling to get a 40-pound weight off his chest. It’s disturbing. For me. The closet pooper.

I need peace and quiet and lack of bodies. That includes the miniature kind. I took my four-month-old into the bathroom with me recently when I needed to poop. As I sat down and got comfortable, I noticed him staring at me…intently. It was like he was waiting for it to begin and it completely creeped me out! I don’t want anyone hearing my pellet splashing orchestra, not even my infant who has yet to process the world around him.

I’m pretty sure there’s a name for this issue, condition, whatever is wrong with me. I don’t dare look it up, because the end result (get it?) will probably scar me. I don’t want Google’s diagnosis of Poopal Anxiety or Obsessive Shit Disorder. There’s enough going on in my head without adding to the list.

Public restrooms are also out of the question. Not going to happen. I don’t care how bad I think I have to go, I’ll hold it and be constipated for a week before I’ll poop with a crowd.

I don’t want to hear other people pooping either. That makes me equally uncomfortable. I won’t make eye contact with anyone who has just stepped out of a stall after taking a poop in a public bathroom. They know they just made childbirth seem quiet. You know they just dropped a small sedan from their hind quarters. No need to add to the awkwardness of the moment.

When I have to poop, the toilet is not my throne. Why would it be anyone’s throne? Shitting is not a jovial event or a royal gala. The toilet is the enemy. It’s nothing more than a non-mobile port-a-potty with indoor plumbing. The next time you sit on your throne, I want you to look around. See any jesters or knights in shining armor? Didn’t think so.

So I’m coming out of the closet today; hopefully without toilet paper stuck to my heel. What’s your Tuesday Confession?

Posted on by Crystal in Uncategorized

34 Responses to I’m a Closet Pooper

  1. Amber Day Hicks

    Ahhhhh, me too!!!!! XO. ~A~
    Amber Day Hicks recently posted..10 blogs this City Girl LOVES!!!!My Profile

    • Crystal

      Thank gawd I’m not alone. 🙂

  2. Jack

    You need a pair of earpligs and a blindfold to carry around with you–problem solved. 😉
    Jack recently posted..How To Use A Blog For Blackmail PurposesMy Profile

  3. Tamara Camera

    haha! Your husband! That cracks me up!!! I think my husband is more in the middle of you two. Not scared but not broadcasting it either!
    Tamara Camera recently posted..One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Des Fish.My Profile

    • Crystal

      I’m petrified. Like turn the radio on 50, have the exhaust fan on, and flush every 10 seconds scared.

  4. Bev

    Hahaha, I’m the same way! Although I’m cool with my husband, baby, sister and parents being around. Otherwise it’s a no-go (mostly out of fear for farting really loudly during the process…)

    • Crystal

      Exactly!!! Although I can’t have anyone staring at me. It’s way too freaky!

  5. Kim

    HaHa – I’m the same way!! My husband has done the phone conversation before – kind of icks me out ust thinking about it!!!
    Kim recently posted..My Top Tip for ProductivityMy Profile

    • Crystal

      Right?!? I never use his phone, just in case. Ewwww.

  6. Allie

    The kids don’t bother me but I at least attempt to close the door! My husband is more like you – he barricades himself in whatever bathroom is farthest away from everyone else in the house. SO funny!!
    Allie recently posted..The Rundown: Payoff WeekMy Profile

    • Crystal

      What I need is my own outhouse with plumbing!

  7. Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama

    Safe toilet syndrome. Goes back to the day of the cavemen. Their bodies would shut down in dangerous situations. Don’t want a saber tooth sneaking up while you’re squatting by the cave! I think Dr. Oz covered this lovely topic, back in the day when he didn’t have his own show. So, it must be true. Dr. Oz & Oprah never lie. As for my family, we ‘hooped & hollered the first time our oldest pooped in the woods. Thankfully, there wasn’t a saber tooth to ruin our celebration!
    Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama recently posted..TrailHeads Headband WinnerMy Profile

    • Crystal

      I need to find a copy of that show!!!

  8. Katia

    Yes, the toilet definitely should not be anyone’s throne. I bet it’s those airplane arm rest snatchers and too-much-bus-space-occupiers who also view the toilet as their throne.

    Public washrooms are even more fun with four-year-olds who commentate and I’ll just leave it at that.

    Awesome post!

    • Crystal

      “Mommy are you pooping? Mommy are you done yet? Ewww. That stinks, Mommy!” Oh yeah. Don’t I know! 🙂

  9. WriterMom Angela

    My husband has something similar only he can only poop at our bathroom at home. This can become a problem when we are on vacation!!!!! He refuses to poop in a hotel bathroom. Like seriously…just freaking take a dump!!!


    Awesome post, you made me laugh!!
    WriterMom Angela recently posted..The lies I tell myselfMy Profile

    • Crystal

      I can’t poop at hotels either – or on vacation. I just realized that!

  10. Melissa @ Completely Eclipsed

    This is hilarious. I’m an equal opportunity pooper. I can poop anywhere, anytime, but I have my own bizarre poop confession: I need to be practically naked. In a public place I’ve learned to keep my clothes on, but at home or a friends house, I’m ass naked. Crazy right?
    Melissa @ Completely Eclipsed recently posted..Problems of a Teacher MomMy Profile

    • Crystal

      LOLOLOL Nope. One of my sons has to get naked to poop, too!

  11. Amber

    Ha, I am the same way. My husband can poop anywhere.
    Amber recently posted..Hey, It’s Okay Tuesday!My Profile

    • Crystal

      I envy those anywhere, anytime poopers. Must be nice!

  12. Dana

    If ever a post title got my attention, this was it! You are too funny, Crystal. And the comments here are hilarious. I’m going to refrain from talking about my own bathroom habits, but I will say that I don’t even want to be on the same floor as any of my family members when they are sitting on the throne.
    Dana recently posted..Seven day sugar detox – accomplished!My Profile

    • Crystal

      LOL I try to hide when anyone is pooping!

  13. AnnMarie

    You are not alone in this, my friend. Small sedan cracked me up. 🙂
    AnnMarie recently posted..For the New Parents of a TeenagerMy Profile

    • Crystal

      Yep. Like a Honda Civic. 🙂

  14. Nicole

    This is hilarious and I am the SAME way. I absolutely refuse to drop buffalo soldiers over enemy territory. I must be at home base with the door closed and the exhaust fans rolling.
    Nicole recently posted..Easy Weeknight Dinner: Hot Mess ChickenMy Profile

    • Crystal

      HA HA HA! I love the way you described it! Exhaust fans save my life weekly!

  15. Cher @ Designs by Studio C

    So funny, and I have to agree with you… I am the same way. Bathroom time is private time and when my kids were little, I would close and lock the door. It didn’t stop them from trying to invade bathroom time. Even now, as teens, they still want to talk to me while I using the bathroom. Any other time, they ignore me! Why??
    Cher @ Designs by Studio C recently posted..Build a Fabulous Room DividerMy Profile

    • Crystal

      Same here! They are always ALWAYS on the other side of the door trying to start a conversation. UGH!

  16. Kim

    L O Freaking L!!

    I’m a closet pooper as well. My body, however, sometimes has other plans and I’m forced to crap in public. Damn occasional digestive issues! And normally I’d all worried about TMI but right now? I don’t give a shit. (See what I did there? LOL)
    Kim recently posted..Celebrating the 1st BlogoversaryMy Profile

  17. Jolene

    I am the same way, I will wait in the stall until it’s all clear. My stomach will hurt, sweat will form on my forehead…I will be on the verge of yelling out “hurry the F up, stop talking on your damn phone no one wants to hear your pee” before I go.
    My co-workers have fun with me, they will either bang on the door or purposely stand in front of the door knowing I can’t go….I freeze up. It’s horrible.
    Jolene recently posted..Global E Pals ~ a lesson in forgivenessMy Profile

  18. Sarah (est. 1975)

    I was this way too until I became about 33 and then I was suddenly like: “I’ll shit anywhere, anytime.”
    Sarah (est. 1975) recently posted..missteenussr: my tits are the pitsMy Profile

  19. Rabia @TheLiebers

    We’re all public poopers at my house. Mostly from necessity. There’s only one bathroom and the hallway is tiny, so when there’s a line, you get company!
    Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted..Weekend RecapMy Profile

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