Naked Actresses You Don’t Need to Envy


The other night we watched Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead starring Philip Seymour Hoffman and Marisa Tomei. It was a good movie, but I really could have done without seeing Hoffman’s ass – ever. I also never expected to see Marisa Tomei’s perfectly sculpted, naked body over and over again. And again. It was turning from Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead to Let’s See How Many Times I Can Flash My Boobs Straight Ahead.

After the third or fourth time of having her non-cellulite, stretch mark free firm backend dangled in our faces like a piece of red velvet cake, I sort of lost my shit.

“There’s no way that chick has had kids. None.”


The truth is, I had no idea until this morning if she had given birth and was mothering 13 children. So I googled, “Does Marisa Tomei have kids?”

She doesn’t – which is a damn good thing. If she had indeed given birth to one or more offspring, I was about to cry foul. Photoshopped thighs. Post-production magic eraser to sagging boobs. I was honestly relieved that she didn’t have kids. I don’t think I could have accepted a mom-body quite that perfect. That would just be a cruel anomaly.

I also can’t help but think back to the scene in My Cousin Vinny when she’s stamping her foot and screaming about her biological clock! Quite ironic.

So the next time you’re watching a movie and Marisa Tomei graces the screen with her chiseled physique, have peace in knowing that she is childless. She has not gone through the body-altering process of having kids. Here are a few other childless actresses you don’t need to envy:

  • Oprah (okay – you can envy her just a little)
  • Kate Walsh
  • Kim Cattrall
  • Cameron Diaz
  • Helen Mirren

* Image courtesy of David Shankbone – Marisa Tomei at the premiere of War, Inc. at the 2008 Tribeca Film Festival.

Posted on by Crystal in MommiFried Extras

10 Responses to Naked Actresses You Don’t Need to Envy

  1. Angela

    Even the actresses who have had children have a leg up (pun intended) on the rest of us. We don’t have the luxury of a personal chef, a personal trainer, an assistant, a nanny and who knows how many other household staff to help us look gorgeous when we walk out the door. Have you ever noticed how even brand new moms on the celebrity red carpet never show up to the Grammy’s with spit up on their gowns or admitting that they didn’t quite make it to the shower that day? I don’t know about you but personally showering and shaving my legs, etc, is about all the ‘maintenance’ I get to do to myself in the average day.
    Angela recently posted..I guess he thought I wouldn’t notice?My Profile

    • Crystal

      I want a free plastic surgeon for a week. 😉 There are days when I can’t even get in a shower! LOL

  2. The Dose of Reality

    I would love to look as good as Helen Mirren right this minute…and she is quite a bit older than I am. I’m glad I don’t have to envy her. 🙂
    The Dose of Reality recently posted..10 Examples Of Why Facebook Makes Us Happy (And You Should Totally Hang Out With Us There)My Profile

    • Crystal

      That woman is an ageless beauty! Love her!

  3. Suzanne

    I envy the heck out of Helen Mirren for being gorgeous and badass and an incredible actress and just generally being awesome.
    I agree with this post, though. We can’t compare ourselves to people whose jobs depend upon them looking flawless.

  4. Suzanne

    And, didn’t Oprah have a baby when she was a teenager? I thought that came out a few years ago.
    Suzanne recently posted..It Can Happen HereMy Profile

    • Crystal

      Ooooohhhh… I need to check that out. Stay tuned! 🙂

  5. thedoseofreality

    HA HA HA!! Yes, those Hollywood childless people annoy me, too! 😉
    thedoseofreality recently posted..Who’s That Crazy Faced Baby?My Profile

  6. Melissa @ Completely Eclipsed

    There’s a group I follow on Pinterest called “Indy Ink” “Don’t Compare Yourself to Celebrities” and it posts the before and after pictures of photoshop and it makes me feel better. Kind of petty on my end, but it totally works.
    Melissa @ Completely Eclipsed recently posted..My New GigMy Profile

  7. FABBY

    Well, cellulite you’ll see on even teen girls now, when I didn’t have it, way before my two girls… I still don’t have much and I’m 63! When I was in my 30s,40s I looked great; so no big deal!

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