The LAST Yoga Pants Post You’ll Ever Read

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So here’s the thing: I’m OVER people blogging about yoga pants. I am! I might buy ten pairs of skinny jeans and put them on two days before I start my period because I’m so sick and tired of hearing about these stretchy wonders. I’m also fed up, because your yoga pants appear to be perfect. You wear them proudly… everywhere. Well my yoga pants are not your yoga pants and someone would be dropping spare change in my hand if I ever wore them in public.

Here’s how my yoga pants are different from yours (and hopefully this will be the last yoga pants post you’ll ever read):

My yoga pants are not appropriate for the great outdoors. Or anywhere there is the possibility of human contact. While your yoga pants are perfect, mine look like they’ve been gnawed to shreds by a platoon of rats on bath salts. There are holes in the knees, around the ankles, and on the thighs. I even have a pair that allows me to air-dry my southern landscape.

My yoga pants look like they were hung over hot grease and then dried near one of those industrial-strength car wash fans filled with ketchup. Honey, there are stains. Stains that can be explained and those that I’ll just blame on the kids.

My yoga pants are four inches too long. I’ve always had a problem buying pants that fit. I’m tall! But when I bought my yoga pants, I must of thought that I was a former WNBA player. I swear on the Lycra patent they have a 42-inch inseam because I can roll them back onto my leg and still have them hang to my ankles. I constantly trip over them, and have even suffered a mild concussing. Not to be confused with concussion because I totally wore out all fourteen C and F-words.

My yoga pants are so faded there are now fifty one shades of grey. Christian would tie me up and then leave the house (never to return). Seriously. I don’t even think I can place them on the color wheel. Are they gold and white? Blue and black? (Who freaking cares?!)

My yoga pants do not contain a smidgen of spandex or any fiber that makes an inflated ass look sexy. I believe they are made entirely of cotton. Cotton picked from clearance row trees. The same kind used to construct granny panties and Old Navy T-shirts.

My yoga pants melt a little every time they’re washed. They do! It’s got nothing to do with all the cake I ate last week. Trust me.

My yoga pants are not really meant for yoga. I bought them in the Tall and Awkward section and if I ever attempted to do an eight-angle or Visvamitra pose, I guarantee my tonsils would be coming out the gaping hole. You wouldn’t know whether to call an ambulance or Hustler magazine.

My yoga pants beg to be put out of their mercy every single day; to which I not so thoughtfully decline. I yank those bitches up and go about my day. They may not be perfect, but they’re mine… a little bit of stretchy heaven that forgives the imperfections and allows me to bend over without being suffocated to death.

Tell me about your yoga pants! What do they look like?

Posted on by Crystal in Confessions of an Older Mom

21 Responses to The LAST Yoga Pants Post You’ll Ever Read

  1. Janine Huldie

    OK, this made me laugh, but seriously and sadly so try, because my yoga pants are definitely not for working out and so beg me to put them out of their misery each and every day, but we all know that isn’t happening here either! 😉
    Janine Huldie recently posted..Why I Am Happy My Daugher Wants to Be Cinderella

  2. Liza | @aMusingFoodie

    I have yoga pants in varying degrees of unrest – some, like yours, most look like they’ve been gnawed by rats and then splattered with paint. They’re “inside the house only” yoga pants. But I do have one pair of presentable out of the house yoga pants…but only one.
    Liza | @aMusingFoodie recently posted..5 Funny Stages Of Baking Homemade Cookies

  3. Seana Turner

    My yoga pants – which I actually wear to do yoga – have bleach stains. Because after yoga, I often throw some laundry in before I hop in the shower:)
    Seana Turner recently posted..I Can’t Like That

  4. Ginny Marie

    You are hilarious! I have a pair of yoga pants that are too short and look completely dorky as they show off my white socks.
    Ginny Marie recently posted..Spring Is Coming!

  5. Andrea B.

    This is hilarious.

    Honestly? I have one pair and I left them at my mom’s this summer. Sad me. But I LOVE that pair to pieces. Which is probably why it’s good they have a break from me. Here’s hoping they don’t fall apart the next time I put them on!!
    Andrea B. recently posted..Book of the Week: The Unraveling of Mercy Louis, Keija Parssinen

  6. Kathy Radigan

    Love this! And I do believe we have the same yoga pants! Lol!
    Kathy Radigan recently posted..The Gift of Shared Misery

  7. Laura Ehlers

    Lol! It must be extremely difficult to achieve nirvana in those sad yoga pants! Or perhaps it is even easier?
    Namaste!
    Laura Ehlers recently posted..You’ve Been Nepotised!

  8. Ashley

    ha ha ha ha ha this was effin hysterical. “You wouldn’t know whether to call an ambulance or Hustler magazine”–this one seriously had me laughing out loud. bahahahahahaha
    Ashley recently posted..Don’t Slide the Bank Teller a Note

  9. WriterMom Angela

    My yoga pants are also stained, they come in either the a little too snug, or a little to baggy variety, and they are all WAY TOO SHORT! I look like Erkel!
    WriterMom Angela recently posted..Guest Post: What Would June Cleaver Do To Keep Her Kids Safe Online?

  10. Brooke Takhar

    “Honey, there are stains” – Ahaha! I buy mine patterned from the teen section. So, you, know, completely appropriate for a 37 year old…
    Brooke Takhar recently posted..kids are the best scapegoats

  11. LIv

    Tall and awkward….LOL.
    LIv recently posted..A New Age Riddle: I Cannot Operate…This Boy is my Son…

  12. Foxy Wine Pocket

    HAHAHAHA! I loved this. Especially “gnawed to shreds by a platoon of rats on bath salts.”
    Foxy Wine Pocket recently posted..The Lazy Mom’s Guide to St. Patrick’s Day

  13. Debbie McCormick

    Sounds like maybe you need to buy a new pair of Yoga pants. haha. I have a pair and wear them around the house and to sleep in. I wouldn’t wear them out in public though. Not sure why – maybe it’s because I have a little too much jiggle on the backside.
    Debbie McCormick recently posted..Straight from the farm – eggs and keepin’ it real.

  14. Elaine A.

    The “tall and awkward” section, ha ha! Hey, sounds like you have them well broken in! 😀

  15. The Imp

    My yoga pants keep trying to crawl down off my ass. Nothing says schmexy like casually groping for your waistband and pulling it back up over your ass.

    I blame Wolf. He keeps throwing them in the dryer.
    The Imp recently posted..Uterus Of Mass Destruction

  16. Jack

    Do men have Yga pants? I am not really sure, I tend to think of them as sweat pants in which case I do and they look like hell.

    But I don’t care, they are comfortable.
    Jack recently posted..It Is A Question Of Values

  17. Kaly

    Thank you! This was hilarious. But I still don’t want to hear about yoga pants anymore. So. Over. It.

  18. Ri

    I have approximately 15 pair…..I do, do yoga….but very rarely….so I just call them sleepy pants. They are comfy enough to sleep in, roll out of bed and take the kid to school in (I keep mine stain/hole free)…. Until I can come home shower (maybe, let’s be honest, maybe not) and change into a fresh pair of sleepy pants and do it all over again. When I find a brand /style that I like I buy at least 3 pair….I’m a fatty and jeans hurt my muffin top…..judge away!

  19. Stefanie @ The Broke and Beautiful Life

    I pretty much live in my yoga pants and avoid any other pants at all costs, haha, not really but mostly. Because they’re so comfy and I’m such an active person both in and out of the home, it’s just easier to splurge on my yoga pants and scrimp on everything else.
    Stefanie @ The Broke and Beautiful Life recently posted..Taxes for Artists

  20. Suzannah Kolbeck

    Around these parts we call those “pie pants.”

    Found you on the SITSGirls blog link up. Funny post.:)
    Suzannah Kolbeck recently posted..Cream Cheese Tarts With Lemon Marmalade

  21. Logan Can

    hahaha Okay, so I am one of those yoga pants loving girls, but this seriously made me laugh! I have a couple of pairs that I wear around the house to clean in and workout in that look about like you described, and then I have a pair that I have kept in good condition to wear out in public if I’m ever having one of “those” days. I must say, they are pretty awesome for a pregnant lady! 🙂

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