7 Ways Facebook Makes Us Look Like Brainless Sea Monkeys

sea monkey

I love Facebook. I do. It keeps me connected to my family who I might not see or communicate with on a regular basis. I’m thankful that this massive social network has reunited me with old friends and given me the opportunity to grow my blog audience. It’s wonderful. Awesome. Just fantastic.

Enough of the hoorah. I swear to effing Neptune, Facebook is slowly turning us into a planet of bottom feeders.

Here are 7 ways Facebook makes us look like brainless sea monkeys:

God is Not a Facebook User

I recently wrote about how I grew up Cathotant. For those not familiar with the term, I was once half Protestant and half Catholic. Because of my roots, I have deep respect for most religions. But I’m telling you right now, no matter who your god is he is NOT talking to you on Facebook. He doesn’t give a flippin’ Mary if you like a post and will not sentence you to eternal damnation if you don’t share the meme of Jesus’s face appearing on a cookie.

All the Days of Facebook

I’m so sick and tired of seeing dirty laundry aired all over Facebook. Sandy did this. Sally did that. I don’t care if your BFFFFF hurt your feelings when she ditched you for Downton Abbey. And I certainly don’t want to know that Judy slept with Billy after getting trashed at Danny’s party. These are things that should be kept locked in your brain hole and out of the public eye. Facebook is the reason soap operas are becoming extinct.

Facebook Profiles = Economic Downturn

A recent article in TIME magazine had this to say:

People used to log onto Facebook to spy on old flames and check out new crushes. Now it seems like they are more interested in gazing at their own profiles—and that’s a problem. A new study published in the journal Media Psychology found that while looking at one’s profile for just five minutes helped boost self-esteem, the narcissistic exercise also led to a measurable dip in motivation.

Looking at yourself makes you a lazy, worthless bum. Enough said.

Ur Droppin’ Ur IQ 4 Sure

Shakespeare would shit a brick if he saw how butchered our communication has become and would most likely revolt against Facebook. Please, I’m begging you from the bottom of my small colon, stop writing in text lingo. It’s as annoying as Justin Bieber jokes; not to mention your IQ drops 5 points with every “ur” and “No probs” you type.

He’s Not a Gangsta’; He’s a Loser

I see so many women falling prey to dumbasses who project themselves as badasses or gangstas’ on Facebook. First, why the hell would you want to get into a relationship with a REAL badass? They are ASSHOLES. Now here’s the skinny on the imposters. Any dude that consistently refers to himself as a gangsta’ or badass OR claims he is living the ghetto life has identity issues. Proven psychology. Behind the Internet sits a skinny, weak moron in his Underoos, sucking his thumb, and living off of mama or dada. (Beware! He could be suffering from mental illness. Be smart and cautious about who you friend online and what you believe.)

Save Yourself from Selfies

No offense to anyone who likes to snap pictures of themselves, but 99.999% of the time the end result is a cross between a red-lipped batfish and a jackass. Save yourself from the selfies and just let someone else snap the pictures.

Failed Soap Boxes and Other Oopsie Facebook Stuff

Read the fine print. If you’re going to stand on a Facebook soap box, make sure you know the facts or understand the issues before you rant and rave. The other day I saw someone go off about some photos of a woman abducted by aliens. These photos were the almighty proof of life on other planets. No. These photos were from the 2009 movie The Fourth Kind. The poster was laughed right off of their little drama stage. Research like a trial lawyer before posting and eating crow.

Your turn! Do you think Facebook is causing us to de-evolve? How?

Posted on by Crystal in Lifestyle

35 Responses to 7 Ways Facebook Makes Us Look Like Brainless Sea Monkeys

  1. Jhanis

    I love it as much as hate it and I have to admit I love watching drama unfold on fb LOL
    Jhanis recently posted..Crème Caramel (Leche Flan) Recipe

    • Crystal

      LOL I think to some extent we’re all voyeurs. Especially on Facebook! Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

  2. Ray

    My site goes live very soon…. I love what you said. Yes, Yes, Yes!!!! God, nor any other religious Icon is following or reading your posts.
    Stop the scandal, quit Bi*ching, Bragging, just be nice….

    SO AGREE!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you……

    • Crystal

      Let me know when your site goes live! I want to visit! 🙂

  3. Ray

    Thank you…. I will let you know, it has been a dream for several years, I hope I don’t fall flat on my face…. 😉

    • Crystal

      Positive thoughts! 🙂 Give me a shout if you need any help!

  4. Janine Huldie

    I have totally fallen out of love with Facebook, too and just use it for groups and such. And sadly so much of this is so true and thank you for a good laugh this Saturday night now 🙂
    Janine Huldie recently posted..Groundhog’s Day Over And Over – Snowmageddon Redux

    • Crystal

      Laughter is the best medicine! Been doing it a lot this weekend! 🙂

  5. NJ @ A Cookie Before Dinner

    Yes to all of this! I have such a lot hate relationship with Facebook. It is obscene the amount of drama that takes place there.

    If my grandmother didn’t troll it several times a day hoping for new picture of the kids (she lives 1000 miles away from us), I’d probably give it up!
    NJ @ A Cookie Before Dinner recently posted..Ask Away Friday With Dana From Kiss My List

    • Crystal

      If I didn’t need it for work, I’d probably give it up too!

  6. Allie

    I especially hate whenever someone starts a post with: I usually don’t get political on FB BUT…
    PLEASE don’t start now! No one cares!!!
    Great post and I have to say that if I see enough crap from one person, I un-friend them.
    Allie recently posted..You’re Going To Spain To Do What?

    • Crystal

      Exactly!! Or they end 99.9% of their posts with “…/rant” Uhhh…durrr. This is not HTML. And no one gives a bleep considering you only have 30 FB friends – 29 that have you blocked from their feeds. Laughable – which is why I wrote this post!

  7. Liz

    Yes, thank you! I can’t stand those chain/you must forward or you’re a terrible person posts. Stop preying on my guilt. That’s what my mother is for! And the Shakespeare comment was priceless. What freaks me out are the Suggested posts though perhaps they are a corrective in pointing out our obsessions? I keep getting ones about weight-loss and shoes sales. Makes me feel like I have to do some soul-searching so maybe FB is the new church. Nah!
    Liz recently posted..Zoe vs. the Cavity Creeps

  8. Michelle

    Facebook is not my favorite place…there is too much of projecting of that perfect life, which doesn’t exist, and too much drama.
    Michelle recently posted..Creamy Citrus Black Bean Soup with Hood Sour Cream #Sponsored #MC

  9. Amber Day Hicks

    Couldn’t agree with you more!!! I hardly ever use it except to send y’all instant messages…LOL! People ask why I never get on anymore & I say I dont really care about all the junk, I’m sorry, I’ve just got a lot of stuff going on and being concerned about you having to change a poopie diaper isn’t one of them.

    I am not trying to sound rude but is it really necessary to tell the whole web that crap, Mama C? LOL anyways. I agree with you!
    Amber Day Hicks recently posted..GO TAR HEELS!!!!

  10. Lisa Nolan

    If I could write a page for every ten minutes I’ve spent on FB I’d have finished 100 novels by now!!!
    Lisa Nolan recently posted..Help Grow Your Facebook Page! An Interview with Jen Mann

  11. Adrienn

    I too LOVE it and HATE it! I think we’ve always been screwed up, but now that Facebook exists we can share so much more of ourselves with each other-like personality traits that would otherwise only be shared with close family and friends and it’s disturbing 🙂
    Adrienn recently posted..Are we raising a society of non-handwashers?

  12. G.C.

    Regarding a family member. please call me (505) 296-1182. Thank you

  13. WriterMom Angela

    I have lost track of the number of times I’ve seen a friend or family member post some amazing heart wrenching story, or warning for our personal safety only to completely debunk it by spending two seconds on Snopes. Seriously people…CHECK YOUR FACTS!!!
    WriterMom Angela recently posted..Twenty Things You Should Stop Saying to the Parents of ADHD Children

  14. Luke Ciciliano

    Agreed as to how many people use it as an informed soap box and the other points you made. These are some of the reasons why the network is seeing engagement drop so badly.

    • Crystal

      Agreed! I think we’ll see a lot more G+ users migrating over. Which is awesome!

  15. Rabia @TheLiebers

    There is a whole lot of drama and stupidity on there, that’s for sure!! I try not to feed into any of it, but I read all of it! 😉
    Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted..Creating Word Clouds with Tagxedo

  16. Kristi Campbell

    I’m beginning to hate it, too, and just cannot quit it. It is my number 2 to 3 referrer and well, U˝Ó. Hate it. Love it???
    Kristi Campbell recently posted..I’m Not Much Smarter Than a Fifth Grader

  17. Shannon

    Shakespeare would shit a brick!? Hahaha, love it.
    Shannon recently posted..Candy: The Solution to Sibling Rivalry

  18. Melissa {Blog Clarity}

    Hilarious! The “older” folks on Facebook like my mom and step-mom are always sharing the God posts or any of the “like and share” junk posts. Drives me batty!

    By other peeve is posting posts from satire sites like The Onion and going “OMG- I can’t believe this happened.” Well, it didn’t!
    Melissa {Blog Clarity} recently posted..Time Tricks to Get More Done

  19. There's Just One Mommy

    I get tired of all the mushy mushy stuff a few of my friends post… And, yes, all the drama!!

    Stopping in from SITS Sharefest!
    There’s Just One Mommy recently posted..Dr. Seuss Sight Word Game

  20. Laura Ehlers

    Love Facebook – Hate the lack of original thought people put on their posts. I don’t need to see the meme of a cat quoting Hemingway again. Put your own original thought out there!!However, those buzzfeed quizes are addicting…
    Laura Ehlers recently posted..@OverExaggeratedCommuterProblems

  21. Amy Kelsch

    So true. I often feel guilty when I get annoyed with the FB posts from others. This post makes me feel better about this! 🙂 Ha! Fun to find you on the SITS Sharefest!
    Amy Kelsch recently posted..It’s A Mindful Life: Unique and Fun Wedding Ideas

  22. Mary Widdicks

    This is so true! Of course, I’m still going to swim my little sea monkey tail over to facebook right now and share it 😛 Oh well.
    Mary Widdicks recently posted..The Hats I Wear

  23. Sarah Day

    I think you pretty much summed up everything I’ve ever wanted to say to FB. You just want to reach through the screen and shake some people! And yet I still use it.
    Sarah Day recently posted..Trying to eat healthy? Read these cautions…

  24. Xiomara @ Parkesdale

    I was smiling the whole time while reading this because this is all so true. I don’t understand why people feel compelled to share their dirty laundry on FB. #SITSharefest
    Xiomara @ Parkesdale recently posted..Friday Favorites – Week 2/28

  25. Mamapotamus

    I find it so irritating when people post things that are hoaxes. You only have to do a little tiny bit of research to find out if you are warning people about something that is true or not. I just try to ignore it – sometimes you just gotta let ’em be wrong.
    Mamapotamus recently posted..How I Survived After Moving Out

  26. Susie (The Esthetic Goddess)

    I am so not a facebook fan. I an astounded as to the personal things people will put on it.
    Susie (The Esthetic Goddess) recently posted..Nip, Tuck, & Tweak

  27. Nicole

    My husband goes in waves with facebook. About every few months he rants and carries on about how much he hates it and how annoying it is….and then I must remind him that facebook is made up of people he knows first hand and allowed to be there. If he’s annoyed it’s because his friends are annoying.

    My husband has annoying friends.
    Nicole recently posted..It’s Take Your Kid To Work Day! A #TBT Story

  28. Gina Valley

    Yes! Facebook is ABSOLUTELY causing us to de-evolve!! It’s frightening!!!

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